I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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