I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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