Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
