Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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