btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
