so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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