I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
