The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
