You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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