I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
