She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
