He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
