pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
