just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
