Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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