happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
