So drunk its hurt
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize