I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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