If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
