Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
