he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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