i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
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My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
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Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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