Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
