Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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