as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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