he wants to bone in the snuggie
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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