it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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