Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
