He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
