I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I did not marry a roomba.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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