I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
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Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
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Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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