New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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