just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
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