Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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