drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
