totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
