I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
How does one acquire holy water?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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