We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
