On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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