oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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