You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
