theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Don't tell me you're on acid again
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
