Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
