i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Randomize
