just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
