the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
