His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
