Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
