I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
