We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
