sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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