I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
