I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
