I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
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Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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