maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Are my feet made of real feet?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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