guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.