So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
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My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
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Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world