My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
