Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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