girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
