You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
