At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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